Polyamory Newsletter, December 2004 - Volume I
Published by Janet Kira Lessin, P.T.S. and Sasha (Alex) Lessin, Ph.D.
808 244-4103 email: WorldPolyamory@aol.com
site: http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com
link: http://www.schooloftantra.com/Newsletters/Polyamory/polyamory_december2004Vol1.htm

Contents of this Polyamory Newsletter
1.  THE POLY LOVE-IN: SHARING SACRED SEXUALITY article and guide for loving by Janet Kira and Dr. Sasha Lessin
2. 
POLYAMORY: FOR THOSE WHO WANT THE WHOLE APPLE by Janet Kira Lessin

3.  6-DAY POLY COMMUNITY, ORANGE SPRINGS, FLORIDA, April 20 - 26, 2005
4. 
JOIN US AT HARBIN HOT SPRINGS, POLY CONFERENCE: June 17-19, 2005
5.  WPA SEEKS SYNERGY WITH LOVING MORE AND POLYS EVERYWHERE -  Janet Kira Lessin
6.  POLYAMORY CONNECTION: POLY DATING, EDUCATIONAL SUPPORT GROUP, MAUI 
7.  ONLINE POLY LINKS, DATING SITE, FORUM, PERSONALS, DISCUSSION GROUPS
8.  COLLECTIVE LIVING: NOT FOR EVERYONE by Starhawk
9.  JANUARY 2005 SCHEDULE: POLYAMORY, TANTRA & PSYCHOLOGY GROUPS, SEMINARS, EVENTS & CLASSES IN MAUI, HAWAII
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1THE POLY LOVE-IN: SHARING SACRED SEXUALITY by Janet Kira Lessin

 When you and new lovers get together to make love for the first time, you can better honor your fertility and health concerns once you've heard each other's sexual health information, asked questions and perhaps performed a home-HIV test.

 Each of you tells her or his sexual history.  Share your test results for sexually transmitted and other contagious diseases.  Say who and how you've touched sexually since your last HIV tests.  Say what methods you used (or didn't) for disease protection.  State your fertility status.

 Notice your partners' body language and eye movements as they share their sexual history.  Body and eye movement can indicate truth (people lie most about sex).  Ask questions until you get enough information to make intelligent decisions. 

 WEIGH WHAT WANT & DON'T WANT
 Focus, breathe, find your center.  Notice signals your body sends you.  Is your belly tense, head aching, breathing rapid?  Then gather your thoughts and take turns saying what you seek, prefer and what you do not want sexually with each person at the love-in.  Consider all health, emotional and social factors and remember, you can say "No" anytime. 

 CENTER YOURSELF BETWEEN INNER GIVER & TAKER
 You may hide your desires if your Giver-- an inner voice that says to please others firstĖdominates you.  Your Giver knows how to make other people comfortable.  Trouble is, sometimes giving becomes more than an option, your Giver becomes your main voice, the only one you hear inside.  Your Giver takes you over and can ignore your own needs.

 If your Giver dominates you, you do what other people want you to do so they'll like you.  You think, "I'm nice and just naturally try to make them happy first."  This may please them and you for a while. 

 But when you automatically please others first, you suppress your ability to choose how you want to interact sexually with your lovers at the love-in.  The Giver, always gratifying others, keeps your Taker--the part of you that wants to meet your own needsĖoffstage.

 Offstage in your unconscious, your Taker gathers strength and bitterness and can explode without consideration of your inner ecology or relations with your polymates.

 What works for me is inclusive, pair-bonded loving (Mono-poly), with Sasha and I each having a veto on one another's sexual involvement.   Sasha never exercises his veto, but I often do.  In inclusive loving, all sexualloving takes place in each others' presence.  Relating to other couples has to be right for both of us, no small requirement, since we're bi, eccentric and intense and we need all-round approbation with our lovers.
 
 Show your protective voices that you can, from your discerning center, experiment with new behaviors and still feel secure.  From your Center, face your sexual self, overcome your family and cultural programming, burn karma, heal trauma and drop inhibitions.  If your love group encourages emotional release and reprogramming, emotions you experience in the love-in give you a chance to heal and learn.
 
 STATE DESIRES & LIMITATIONS
 Tell each person how you want to share sex with her or him.  You don't have to justify a request; just state it.  Hear but don't judge other's requests.

 When you request, say, double penetration, your love-in lovers may or may not give you that.  If they ask you to do something you need not comply.  Offer each other alternative intimacies.  Match your sexual interactions with your comfort level.  Perhaps, refrain from coitus at first.  A man may, in some instances, ejaculate only with his mate but share oral sex with others in the group. 
  
 Many woman, like me, were forced, raped, controlled, manipulated or dominated by male caretakers or lovers.  We may have attitudes that limit our sexuality.  

 If you have primary partners present at the love-in, after each person expresses sexual wants and limits, tell your partners how you feel about their sexual desires for others and ask them to say how they feel about your sexual requests.  Reach consensus with your partners before engaging in sex with others.

 Always honor and respect the wants, desires and needs of your partners to limit how you relate to the others at the love-in.  Give your primary partners they want and thereby create space for their healing, space where they can feel safe.  Then they can open up later on in the current encounter or future episodes rather than retreat and shut down from this experience or from polyamory.

 Your partner, through hesitancy, reflects a part that is not healed within him or in your relationship and must be addressed before he can expand sexually.   The sexual sharing must satisfy your partners as well as you for polyamory to work.

 You may have requested something on the line of the following:  "Sue, I would like you to have intercourse with me and Joe, I would like for you to stroke my hair while Sue and I make love."

 Sue may respond, "Tom, I don't know you that well at this point and I am not comfortable with saying yes right now, but I would be willing to let you honor my pearl." [kiss her clitoral head]

 Joe, who is Sue's husband may add, "It's fine with me if you make love with Sue at this time, and I am open to it whenever she is comfortable.  However, I would like to assist your joining, at that time.  And yes, I would love to stoke your hair when you two make love and also pleasure you in any way you would both desire."

 Ann, your wife may interject, "I wouldn't be comfortable with Sue and my husband joining together and Tom assisting unless Sue and I connect first and get to know each other intimately in that fashion.  Once we know and love each other, then I am open to anything."

 And so on around the group until all have expressed their desires, preferences and limitations.  But, no matter what you expressed in the beginning, you can change your mind at any time.

 And honor emotional interruptions to sexualloving.  Honor a person's feelings and don't take them personally.   An upset person, her history and her life's experiences trigger her and she'll process and reveal what is up for her in her own time and way.

 As a group, you can be there for her in ways she previously never thought possible.  Let her release things long pent up and heal and reprogram herself.

VET EACH OTHER  Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.  Sashalessinphd@aol.com 808 244-4103

 Before getting sexual with your lovers, I suggest you Join hands in a circle.  Imagine energy circulating through you, from left to right; receive energy from the hand that holds yours on your left, send it down your right hand to the hand you hold on your left. 
 
 Make eye contact for 30 seconds or so with each person at the love in, then lower your hands. Each shares
 How would you would like the relationships among you to develop?

 What's the best that can happen for each of us?

 What's the worst for each of us?

 Your sexual history?

 Test results for sexually transmitted and other contagious diseases?

 Who touched you sexually since your last HIV tests?  How did you touch?

 What methods did you use (or not use) for disease or pregnancy protection?

 What's your fertility status?

 What do you seek, prefer and not want sexually with each person?
  
 Make eye contact with each person and tell her or him how you want to share sex with her or him.  You don't have to justify a request  just state it 

 Hear and repeat in your own words each person's requests with the understanding that each will consider the requests.  Then respond to the requests or offer each other alternative intimacies. 
  
 If you have primary partners present, after each person expresses sexual wants and limits,
 tell your primaries how you feel about their sexual desires for others

 Ask your primaries to say how they feel about your sexual requests 

 Reach consensus with your partners before engaging in sex with others

Janet and Sasha lead a playful and instructive as part of an all-day experience, "Choreographing the Voices of Polyamory" at the 6-day poly conference, Return to the Tribe, at Orange Springs, Fla, April 20 -26, 2005.
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2POLYAMORY: FOR THOSE WHO WANT THE WHOLE APPLE by Janet Kira Lessin

The Lifestyles people make a clever play on the Garden of Eden theme with their logo of an apple with a chunk out of it and the words, "for more than one bite." While the lifestyles may be appealing to many (tee hee), I seek more than sexual episodes. Now donít get me wrong, sexual episodes can be fun. Iíve played on the fringe of episodic sex with friends that I never intended to marry. And the lifestyles seem to be more than about episodes as many become regular lovers and develop deep friendships. The edges between the two relationship styles do tend to merge and meld and are cloudy at best.

Iíve also experimented with living with my lovers in community. The longest Iíve been able to make it last is about 40 days. Iíve seen many succeed and have incredible, wonderful, sexually-intimate live-in relationships with more than one partner. So far, Iíve only been able to live with community mates with whom Iím not sexual (except my husband, Sasha), and have intimate-sexual relationships with those whom I donít live with. Frustrating.

What do I do wrong? And am I doing something wrong? Perhaps Iím seeking what I want (or think I want), but Iím actually getting what I really need.

The house is quiet now. In this moment, Iíve only myself. I hear the doves and several other species of birds calling to one another through the jungle outside my window. The warm sun gently streams across my fingers as they dance across the keyboard filling my screen with words that I speak to you. The peace within my soul fills my being with bliss. I am content.

After six full months of an endless stream of company and potential poly mates, Iím exhausted. My experiment in unity consciousness has taxed my being to the brink of breaking. I retreat back to my dyadic love with my beloved husband to find myself again, to reassemble the pieces of me and discover who I am. Last night we were alone together for the first time in ages. It was heaven.

What a wild ride. Why do I take it?

I believe in us, in the goodness of humanity and I respond to the cry within my soul and one that comes from the collective consciousness of human kind. My phone, email, IMís and personal contact with others delivers to me the cry for more. I hear it all. As a therapist and pioneer on the cutting edge of the humanistic movement (as exhibited by my studies and promotion of the polyamory and tantra fields), I hear the yearnings of individuals, couples, triads and quattrads who want it all.

Monogamy has itís place and surely will never die if humankind embraces all the variety that lifeís experiences in interpersonal relationships can deliver. I have my "monogamous moments" and Iím the head of the World Polyamory Association. The fears from the religious right and "morality movement" are unwarranted. How could the delicate balance and fluidity of movement, excitement, turn-on and joy juxtaposed between three and more possibly replace the gentle intimacy, slow excitement, romance and bliss shared by just two?

Both are delightful items on the menu of life. Would I possibly want to totally replace one with the other and eliminate something delectably delicious from my choices of how to be? And what about my relationship with myself? Would I never want to be alone with just me?

I want it all. I deserve it. I have it all. The menu of life is rich and full. History shows us that humanityís been delving in multi-person gestalts (relationships) since our creation. The "gods" were definitely not monogamous. Our early Judeo/Christian leaders and kings of olde had many wives and concubines. In our time, DNA taken from hospitals show that one out of three fathers listed on birth certificates are not the biological father.

Humans mate with more than one. Humans have a huge capacity to love and can love in diverse ways. If our society stops making us wrong for who we are, weíll no longer need to act out neurosis in violent ways. If individually we stop buying into the shoulds of the masses who preach one thing and do another, then weíll create authentic relationships based on a secure foundation of truth. Truth sets us free, free to be, who we truly are.

Could you please pass me that apple?
*****

36-DAY POLY COMMUNITY, ORANGE SPRINGS, FLORIDA, April 20 - 26, 2005

Return to the tribe, to the days when we lived in extended family.   We gathered in small groups.  We knew one another intimately.  Our lives were deeply personal, felt on all levels.  For protection we lived communally, often in a large room or series of inter-connected structures where love was shared openly.  We felt intense love and we had to work it out because there was nowhere to go and we were all that we had.  Experience the tribe..... again.  Join us for seven days in tropical paradise.  The World Polyamory Association presents a week-long experiment in conscious, intentional community.  We have workshops and presentations but also relax and facilitate transformation on a personal level, a level achieved from a whole week of hanging out together.

$495 until December 31, 2004 includes accommodations and meals: http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/conferences/OrangeSpringsFL2005/orange_springs_accommodations.html
For more information: http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/conferences/OrangeSpringsFL2005/orange_springs_index.html
To register:  http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/forms/OrangeSprings2005/orange_springs_registration_form.html
Hurry!  Register now and save. Prices go up January 1st, 2005.  

4. JOIN US AT HARBIN HOT SPRINGS, POLY CONFERENCE: JUNE 17-19, 2005

The World Polyamory Association's Northern California Conference, Celebrate Relationship Choice, will be at Harbin Hot Springs, CA (June 17-19, 2005) in Middleton, located about two hours from both San Francisco and Sacramento.  Harbin's located on 1200 acres of beautiful canyon land. It offers natural healing waters (hot, warm and cold pools), miles of hiking trails, and a variety of workshops, classes and events every week.  Harbin is a clothes-optional facility.

The Harbin poly conference includes interactive workshops on pair bonding, romantic love, multiple-partner sexuality and choreographing the dance of poly loving. There will be panel discussions, jealousy management experiments, opportunities for networking, a fun party and a many opportunities to experience living compersionĖempathy for others' love-joy.  Participants will move from experience to experience together, in plenary sessions orchestrated to build community.

For More Information:  http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/conferences/HarbinHotSprings2005/harbin_hot_springs_index.html
Discounted price of $275 includes meals and tent/seminar space accommodations: http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/forms/Harbin2005/harbin_registration_form.html

Hurry!  Register now and save. Prices go up January 1st, 2005.  

5.  WORLD POLYAMORY ASSOCIATION SEEKS SYNERGY WITH LOVING MORE AND POLYS EVERYWHERE

We here at the World Polyamory Association are very happy to hear that Loving More is up and running again.  Dr. Lessin (Sasha) and I have been long time supporters of Loving More even through the recent problematic period (see letter below). We're here to assist you and your team, support you in any way possible. Please, let us know what we can do to help you.

Sasha and I formed the World Polyamory Association and in response to those problems, Dave, Sasha and I launched the first WPA Conference in Laguna Beach last month. We had about 75 people and it was a huge success. That inspired us to do a a series of 3 more conferences in various locations in the US (FL, CA & PA), which will happen in 2005.

I'd like to suggest we combine forces with all those who present conferences and events and have local poly groups, and bring the best of poly to the table so that all may benefit. I invite everyone to drop any semblance of competition, come together as one and show humanity that we're united. Let's explore new avenues where we may synergize and co-create. May the
poly movement proceed forward as a unified force;: a new paradigm for planetary and individual healing and growth. Let us be the pioneers for peace.

After all, polyamory is about honesty, truth and coming to peaceful resolution. I invite the people at Loving More, both past and present members, to come into resonant harmony with us here at the World Polyamory Association.  We're experimenting with live, conscious community here in the Maui tropics and it's sure fun.  Interesting too.  We bring a lot of that to the conferences.

The Loving More Spring 2005 Conference is in May and the WPA Conference is at Harbin Hot Springs June 17-19, 2005.  Rather than compete against one another let's create the two conferences so that they build on one another and encourage polys to attend both events.

Also, February 2005 there's a conference in Philadelphia and April 2005 WPA has a conference in Florida.  I propose we all join forces so that we maximize interest in all the conferences and create full houses for all the organizers. After all, we all work so hard tocreate and bring these events to you. The more people become conscious and aware of polyamory and its benefits, the faster the movement grows and supports all of us in our relationship choice.

6.  POLYAMORY CONNECTION: POLY DATING, EDUCATIONAL SUPPORT GROUP, MAUI 

POLYAMORY CONNECTION is an ongoing poly dating club, support group and  interactive relationship class on polyamory (contemporaneously loving more than one in intimate, candid relationships).  For more information:  http://www.schooloftantra.com/Groups/PolyamoryConnection/PolyamoryConnection.htm

7.  ONLINE POLY LINKS, DATING SITE, FORUM, PERSONALS, DISCUSSION GROUPS

Click http://www.worldpolyamoryassociation.com/ and enter WPA's world of poly links, dating data, forum, personals, discussion groups.
 
LINKS: We post your link, you post WPA's; we all rise in Search Engine Consciousness. Submit yours to us at http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/Links/submit_your_site.html 
FORUM: Propose and discuss subjects of poly interest http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/forum.html
PERSONALS Say Who You Are and What You Seek http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/personals.html 
POLY EVENTS http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/events.html
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8.  COLLECTIVE LIVING: NOT FOR EVERYONE by Starhawk

"Collective living is not for everyone.  It demands a willingness to share personal space and give up some control over one's environment, and a willingness to share feelings, stay honest, and spend a lot of time talking about issues and emotions.  It helps to be gregarious and easygoing.  Many fine people are neither.  If your most precious time is spent alone, if noise drives you crazy, if you are part of a devoted couple that resents intrusions on your mutual rapture, or if you are a less devoted couple on the verge of a stormy breakup, some other way of living may better preserve your happiness and sanity.  To live collectively, you must choose the life-style because your genuinely want it--not because it seems more practical or more politically correct.

"Collective households also seem to work best when expectations are reasonable and boundaries clear.  To live collectively, we don't necessarily have to share everything.  We can retain our own income, lovers, private rooms.  Living with others should enrich our lives, not force us to make sacrifices."  Truth or Dare, 1990, pages 332-333

POLY NEWS http://worldpolyamoryassociation.com/news.html

9.  POLYAMORY, TANTRA & PSYCHOLOGY GROUPS, SEMINARS, EVENTS & CLASSES IN MAUI, HAWAII
Click here for January 2005 schedule: http://www.schooloftantra.com/Schedule/2005/January2005.htm

Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday

SCHOOL OF TANTRA - January 2005
AE - Alien Encounters: Breaking the Godspell, CSS - Celebrate Sacred Sexuality
CTT - Tantra School : Level 1 - Certified Tantra Practitioner, CT - Club Tantra, H - Holotropic Breathwork, JT - Journey to Tomorrow
PC - Polyamory Connection, M - Mingles for Singles, T - Theopathy, TC - Tantra Connection, V - Voice Dialogue, Y - Yoga

     

 
8-9:30 AM - Y
10 AM - JT

7 PM - CT
2
9:30 AM  - T  
3
4
5
5:30 - 7PM - Y
6



7 PM - M

8-9:30 AM - Y
1 PM - PC
7 PM - CT
9
9:30 AM  - T
 


10 

 

11 
6:30 PM - AE
12 
5:30 - 7PM - Y
13 
14 
7 PM - TC
15 
8-9:30 AM - Y
9AM - 5PM 
CSS
7 PM - CT
16
9:30 AM  - T 
11AM - 6PM 
CSS
17 
9AM - 5PM 
CTT
18 
9AM - 5PM 
CTT
19 
9AM - 5PM 
CTT
5:30 - 7PM - Y
20 
9AM - 5PM 
CTT
21 
9AM - 5PM 
CTT
7PM - M
22 
ALL DAY: CTT
8-9:30 AM - Y
10 AM - HB

7 PM - CT
23
9:30 AM  - T 
24
25
6:30 PM - VD
26
5:30 - 7PM - Y
27 28
7 PM - M
29
8-9:30 AM - Y
1 PM - PC 7 PM - CT
30
9:30 AM  - T 
31          

POLYAMORY, TANTRA, PEACE
World Polyamory Association
, School of Tantra, World Peace Association, World Tantra Association

Sasha Lessin, Ph. D. & Janet Kira Lessin

1371 Malaihi Road
Wailuku, Maui, HI 96793
808-244-4103
sashalessinphd@aol.com
, janetkiralessin@aol.com, WorldPolyamory@aol.com, SchoolofTantra@aol.com, WorldPeaceAssoc@aol.com, WorldTantraAssoc@aol.com